Personal Responsibility

Judge not lest ye be judged. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. If one wanted to live up to what seems to be expected of us based on what’s written in the Bible, I feel like we'd have the obligation to maintain the attitude that every human life has equivalent value. So where does personal responsibility come in? This is not mine to know, I’m told, but I can’t leave it at that so I am asking anyway. Society has to have rules and a method for judging those who break them. I can’t ignore it or leave it to someone else. I’m supposed to be using my ethics for the greater good (such as voting my conscience). Otherwise what is the point of determining what your ethics are at all?

People vary greatly in how much they exhibit characteristics society considers “good” and “bad.” My kids are a great example. My daughter is naturally very empathetic (like me). She is very influenced by the emotions of those around her; particularly sad feelings. She is just very caring, and is always playing the role of peacemaker and shoulder-to-cry-on with her friends. And she seems to have an inherent sense of right and wrong. She used to watch a cartoon show where one of the characters was always being mean to the others; calling them “stupid.” Unlike another mother I knew at the time, I did not have to ban watching the show or disallow the use of this word. My daughter just knew that the character was acting badly, and she used to ask why the character was mean. Unlike this other mother’s daughter, my daughter did not see this behavior as something to imitate. She never role-played in a way that was violent. She was always polite considerate without needing to be told.

My son is the total opposite. During role-play, I constantly had to tell him it wasn’t nice for him to make his toys hit, alienate, or demean each other. I even had to put his toys in time out for not being nice to each other. I had to explain empathy by stating that this is how others feel when X is done to them, just like he would feel if X was done to him. He does not like feeling that way, so he should not make others feel that way. I provided names for the feelings he was feeling. I pointed out how his actions made me feel, both good and bad. I constantly reminded him to use his words when he wants attention or cuddling, instead of jumping on people or tackling them. The “Bad Guy” from his police Lego toys robs banks only; no personal crimes. There are no army toys, no toy guns, no video games with shooting, no watching violent television because I see his fascination on the few times he does see those things. As I said before, I did not have to outlaw those things with my daughter. So yes, for some it is true that being surrounded by violent media would not cause them to be violent, most likely because they possess a strong feeling of empathy. But for those who naturally have less empathy, desensitization is not going to help. I know that I am not going to be able to control this forever, but this is such a critical time. Whatever children are exposed to at this age, no matter how bad or wrong, gets included in their perception of “normal.” This is why victims of abuse tend to be abusers when they grow up. Aberrant behavior patterns are normal and familiar to them. I had to explain that to my son that the boats in the tub should not “kill” the shark, because the shark is just minding his own business and will leave people alone if they leave him alone. It seems that all this may be working, because eventually the boats helped keep everyone away from the shark’s area so that everyone could coexist peacefully. He is very concerned now about whether I am happy or angry with him.

My children’s environments and parenting do not differ to any significant degree, so the best explanation is that the variety of characteristics in my kids is due to genetic makeup.

In addition, environment plays a role. Humans are capable of committing wonderful acts or atrocities in groups. We look to those around us to discern what appropriate behavior is. And our situation or environment sometimes leaves us no choice but to act in a way we would otherwise not. Some live in a culture where “good” behavior is not encouraged, but is in fact a liability, like a gang or even a foreign, war-like culture. In Germany in the ‘40s- how many of those soldiers would have done what they did without being surrounded by the culture that convinced them it was right and proper, and moreover everyone else is doing it? From middle class girls in cliques who are viciously mean to others to elevate themselves, to those who are those who are driven by desperation to crime because they are starving- both have needs that they must fulfill, from the need for belonging to the need for food. People will do just about anything if those around them are doing it. Is there a monster lurking within every one of us?

Finally, there is an organic component about all this. Brain injury or Alzheimer’s patients can undergo a complete personality change, coupled with a loss of impulse control. Some become the most vicious, unpleasant people. Some are the sweetest, most wonderful people. Disruptions during development, like insults in the womb (both accidental and intentional) and toxin exposure can all affect the brain. Some of these mechanisms have been proposed as explanations for the increase in autism rates. Then there are sociopaths or narcissists. People who not only are literally incapable of empathy but have powerful impulses to do harm.

So who deserves more credit? Or more punishment? Those who are “naturally” good, such as my daughter and I? I feel the most extreme sense of self-loathing if I cause distress in others. Should I be praised for wanting not to hurt anyone? I can’t even kill a spider. Should I be praised for not committing murder? That doesn’t seem right. What about those who never got emotional “training” like I’m trying to do with my son, but picked up on the rules of society on their own? Or for whatever reason have a deeply held sense of right and wrong? How about those who have to go counter to their own impulses to be good? What about those who are not acting out of lofty morality, but simply behave as they do to fit in? Not all abuse victims become abusers themselves. What makes the difference? With all these differences, how can we compare people, apples-to-apples, and come up with a fair system of judgment? To what degree can we hold them accountable for their level of personal responsibility? And what leeway should be granted for circumstances beyond their control?

And if all this life is, is a test to see if we deserve some form of eternal life, how can we know how we’re doing when everything’s so uneven and unfair?

And with all the evidence of atrocity out there, the only way to maintain that optimistic sense that all human lives have value is to stay away from the news, and people in general for that matter. I don’t want to become jaded.